But Do You Want To Be Happy?

Here’s a thought: do you want to be happy? I know: “Duh.”But you might be surprised. A lot of people I’ve met are blatantly hesitant about embracing happiness. "Well that doesn’t make any sense." Doesn't it, though? *squint* Embracing something new = change. And change = scary. Even when change is positive it can terrify people.

Most people are afraid that if they change, they’ll lose something about themselves that they like.

I've actually had friends say to me—verbatim—“you know, I’m not really sure I want to improve my life because hardship has given me an edge and I don’t want to lose that.” Sound like anybody you know?

Not everyone does this knowingly, but many people identify with (and even like!) aspects of themselves that they associate with depression, angst, and general dissatisfaction. Adjectives like ‘hard,’ ‘edgy,’ and ‘guarded’ come to mind. If you like to use these terms to describe yourself, you might be in that boat. I know I was. I mean, just look at those photos in the image above.

Those were taken at a time when I was genuinely hurting about so many things, but had no idea how to walk myself through or process any of it—I didn't know how to identify with anything but the brooding, angsty teen. All I knew is that I didn't want to identify with the kids who acted like everything was great all the time—because it wasn't. What I didn't realize is that by avoiding what I interpreted as the high school cliche, I'd become a cliche all my own. The resistance to happiness is often complicated and not always obvious. It took me years to realize why I couldn’t master my mood, even after I started to reject that teenage angst. Why was I always letting this dark wave pass over me? I knew consciously that I wanted to embrace the good stuff… but subconsciously I feared that embracing joy would make me forget what it felt like to feel pain and hurt. I worried I’d lose my ability to empathize. I worried that I’d lose my ability to really “feel.” I worried I'd become one of those obnoxiously happy people who annoys the sh*t out of everybody.

This, of course, was borderline psychotic. But I had to address it before I could move past it. I had to start asking myself the tough questions before I finally got to the conclusion that I was actually afraid of happiness. I was afraid of losing my ability to feel sad. Sad was comfort. Sad had begun to feel safe.

But as it turns out, learning to embrace happiness doesn't mean you no longer have the capacity to feel sadness, pain, grief, etc. It just means that when those sad feelings creep up, you know what to do with them. You work through them faster—you feel better sooner. You don't lose touch, you gain control. And it hasn’t changed the core of who I am. To the contrary, it has actually accentuated who I already was. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the polar opposite of 'peppy' — I'm obsessed with deep, dark topics and my sense of humor leans further to the dry side than the animated side. (If it wasn't obvious from everything I shared above, Daria was my pre-teen role model).

Before I got on this 'happiness' kick I was petrified that 'learning to love myself' was going to turn me into a perfectly complacent drone. Instead, it did something kind of magical—I became even more passionate about the deep, dark topics I already loved. I was more confident about embracing that side of myself because I was no longer afraid of being judged for it. I didn't change. I just became more authentically myself.

And sure, I started to incorporate pink into my wardrobe but we're all multifaceted, okay?! Tapping into happiness has made me feel better and more fulfilled, yes, but it hasn’t erased my memories. I haven’t forgotten where I’ve come from or how to feel. My tastes haven’t changed, my resting bitch face hasn’t disappeared (that’s actually one thing I was hoping to lose)... but see, the person you’ll become when you’re happy isn’t going to leave 'current you' in the dust. 

Happiness doesn't turn off reality—it just makes you feel lighter, more in control of your life, and more confident in who you are. You’ll embrace your flaws as well as your strengths. You’ll respect yourself. You’ll feel good. And isn't that worth taking a shot at?Is there anything about yourself that you feel you’ll ‘lose’ by achieving happiness? Feel free to share—I'd love to dive in to some of our most popular fears in a future post.