Are You Open to Receiving?
As February crops up—a month that for some reason got pegged as the most romantic—I'm compelled to talk about 'intimacy.' Not in the culturally normative 'physical' sense; I'm talking about a much broader form of intimacy that can be shared between friendships, family members, and that cashier you've never formally met but keep running into at the grocery store.
When we see intimacy only through the lens of the physical, we give it such a limited scope. It gets shoved 'behind closed doors' of bedrooms and closets and folded into euphemisms that are meant to make us all feel a little more comfortable, but really only make us squirm a little harder.
We have attached—on purpose in some cases (coughreligion), and on accident in others—SO much shame to physical intimacy. It makes me wonder if anyone out there is actually having healthy sex or if they just think they are. (There's a wormhole to dive into if you're craving an existential crisis).
The only reason I'm still talking about physical intimacy is because our fear of it has spread to everything it touches. And 'emotional intimacy' is the first to get quarantined.
So, what IS emotional intimacy? Believe it or not, it's not easy to find a succinct definition. But as someone who's been exploring this subject for a little over a year, I've landed on the following:
Emotional intimacy is a shared sense of being heard, seen, and valued between two people.
If you look closely, you'll see that emotional intimacy is really quite simple and benign. It's a compliment, a quality hug, a moment of complete and utter empathy, no strings attached, a belly laugh shared because you both just "get it"—you catch the drift.
It's harmless on paper. But POWERFUL when felt. And this is probably why it makes so many of us nervous. (and potentially why our culture seeks to suppress it—I mean, just imagine how empowered we'd all be if we felt unconditionally connected to and supportive of each other??).
My point is: it can be HARD to feel heard, seen, and valued. You know why?
SHAME.
I know—I'm biased. I'm in the midst of taking an incredible course that's all about shame. I spent the better half of last year learning about Jung's theory on Shadow, which could translate simply to 'the parts of ourselves we feel are shameful.' And I worked hard to integrate the teachings from Dark Side of the Light Chasers, which I reference often but truly feel should be a prerequisite for anyone interested in any kind of self-growth, ever.
So, shame is at the forefront of my mind. But it also seems to be at the forefront of SO MUCH of our suffering—and in particular, the root of what blocks us from accessing joy. And if you look back at the sex thing, which is the most literal (and vulnerable) method of 'being seen,' doesn't it make sense that shame from physical intimacy would carry over into any other form of being seen?
Shame is any negative or painfully felt sense of "I am."
I am weak. (shame) I am ugly. (shame) I am stupid. (shame) I am a freak. (shame) I am cruel. (shame) I am incapable. (shame) I am crazy. (shame) I am not enough. (shame) I am paranoid. (shame) I am lazy. (shame) I am unworthy. (shame) I am unrealistic. (shame) I am selfish. (shame) I am out of control. (shame) I am uptight. (shame) I am untrustworthy. (shame)
Can you see how UBIQUITOUS shame is? I mean, I'm guessing you don't walk around telling yourself how great you are all day. (I sure don't). We ALL use shame to keep ourselves in check. But those voices can accumulate to a point that not only weigh us down but block us from being able to receive the positive messaging.
Emotional intimacy is a gateway to accessing that positive messaging. When we have conversations with friends where we feel a little bit vulnerable, but unconditionally loved, our hearts flutter. When a stranger compliments us on something that we like about ourselves, our steps feel lighter. When we are seen in a way that lifts us up or celebrates our shared humanity, we breathe easier.
Emotional intimacy is an integral part of human connection. On a soul level, we need it desperately. It connects us with our higher selves. In a romantic partnership, if emotional intimacy begins to erode, so, too, does everything else. As a child, we crave emotional intimacy from our parents—and if that need isn't met, we can grow up to develop an insecure attachment style (which can show up as co-dependency or avoidance).
But it can also be scary! Because it can trigger a lot of our shame voices. "You look beautiful today" might be blocked by your voice, "I am ugly." A friend's heartfelt desire to empathize with you about your very big day might be blocked by your voice, "If I accept this empathy, it means I am selfish." Your partner's loving hug might be blocked by your voice, "I am not enough."
In fact, you might be so blocked, your brain doesn't even recognize the offering of intimacy in the first place! You might be looking around the room like, "Why isn't anyone offering me connection?" when it's really just that your voices are so loud you can't even see it when it's right in front of you.
So what are we to do?
I'll tell you what the answer is NOT. It's not to "be ashamed of yourself." That's usually our go-to, so I want to stop you right there. Let's lay off the shame spiral for a second and embrace the fact that shame, like all perceived 'negative' emotions, is not bad. Shame is simply an alarm system letting you know that something within you is off balance. We all feel it, we all let it run the show now and then, so lean into the realization that shame is not the enemy. It's more like an annoying little helper inside your psyche who means well, but is a little bit clumsy on the delivery.
When you feel shame for feeling 'ugly,' that's an alarm letting you know that you have a need that's not being met. Maybe it's for beauty, or perhaps it's a need for respect on a physical level. When shame says, "you're incompetent!" that might be letting you know that you have a deep need to be reliable or efficient or straight up competent. Only YOU know which need your shame is trying to point to, but know that it IS trying—albeit clumsily—to point to something.
If you're wanting to embrace more intimacy—the felt sense of being seen, heard, and valued—into your life, start small and start solo.
JOURNAL EXERCISE:
(grab a journal, give yourself at least 20 minutes, and get ready for the most transformative exercise of your life.)
Start by leaning into some self-awareness. Take inventory of a recent event where you resisted a compliment or kind offering. What did it feel like in your body? What are the beliefs that popped up for you? What was the painful "I am..." phrase that comes to mind? If you're having trouble coming up with it, try finishing this sentence: "If I accept this compliment it means I am..."*
There's no need to dive too deep here—shame can be heavy—so start with a small or seemingly insignificant event. (This is why I like to start with compliments, which are light-hearted, but still quite hard for many of us to fully receive).
*(NOTE: the "I am" phrase might not be something you say to yourself frequently—it could be something you simply FEAR being said about you. As in, if you were to imagine someone saying "You are [vain]," it would destroy you. This may indicate that there's a part of you that FEARS you DO fit that label, even though you do everything in your power to avoid it. So using the phrasing "IF I accept this compliment, it means I am..." touches on what you are AFRAID of being labeled as. And that's shame in it's most masked form. Make sense? Hit me up on Instagram if there's confusion around this.)
Pinpoint the need your shame is blocking. Now that there's some awareness about why shame exists—because it is drawing attention to a need you have that isn't being met—allow yourself to see it as the clumsy helper it is. Take your painful "I am..." statement and ask yourself what need it might be trying to bring to your attention.
For example, if the belief is "I am stupid," there might be a need to be seen as competent, respected, and accepted.
If my fear is that accepting a compliment will "make me vain," I might be blocking my need for respect, appreciation, inclusion, or being seen.
Use this list of needs words to get you started—which ones pop out as being significant for you? Maybe print out that PDF and circle a few that resonate for you.
Thank your shame for trying to help—journal as if you are writing it a letter. Give her a name, if you want. It sounds silly, but your brain processes better when you conceptualize your emotion as a third party, or person, you can talk to. (This is neuroplasticity at work). Thank your shame for alerting you to the need you have.
Example: "Thank you, Vanity (or Vain Vanessa, if you want to name her), for showing up around my needs to be respected and appreciated. I see that you are simply trying to alert me to these needs. When someone offers me a compliment and you show up, I push you away... but in doing so, I am blocking myself from accessing the respect and appreciation my soul craves."
Consider other ways that this shame has served you. Because, yo: shame has a purpose. And it's not JUST to show you your needs. It's also to keep you in check, to keep you balanced, and to make sure you don't murder anyone. It 'just wants us all to get along'. Thank your shame for how she has served you.
Shame around 'vanity' may have shown you the value of being humble. You may have learned to be more attentive to other people's feelings of self-worth. How has that served you?
Shame around feeling 'ugly' may have inadvertently given you an appreciation for all the beautiful things in life. Maybe you have excellent taste as a result. How has that served you?
Similarly, shame around 'incompetence' may have made you hyper-focused on being 'capable'—maybe you've developed incredible multi-tasking skills that have served you at home or in your career.
Shame around being 'lazy' helped motivate you to be productive. How has that served you?
See where I'm going with this? Shame can be useful when it's not secretly controlling your every move. And that brings us to the next step:
Give your shame a seat at the table. Shame will only try to control you when you refuse to acknowledge her existence. The more you push her away, the louder she screams for your attention. But now that you've offered her some empathy, you might find she no longer triggers you. That "I am..." statement might not feel as painful to say out loud. This is because you've allowed yourself to empathize with your shame. You've disarmed her. So why not take it one step further and offer her a seat at your table?
Write to her and tell her she's allowed to exist inside your psyche. Because here's the thing: we are ALL a little ugly sometimes and we are ALL a little incompetent. We ALL have our crazy moments and we're ALL a little bit lazy. We ALL have the capacity for ALL the things. By offering her a seat at the table, you're promising her that when she shows up, you'll pay attention. But also: you're refusing to let her define you. She is a PART of you. She is not YOU. The key is that it's not all or nothing. You can be a little bit crazy, and still be incredibly grounded. You can be a little bit lazy, and still get shit done like a boss. You can be a little incompetent, and still be the sharpest fucking crayon on the block. You can own a little bit of ugly and still feel positively radiant. You can be a little bit vain, and still care about other people enough to offer them love when you sense they need it. You are ALL THE THINGS. All at once. Just because you have a little bit of the 'shameful' stuff, it does NOT take away any of the glorious shit that makes you proud.
Example: "Vain Vanessa, I'm going to give you a seat at the table—I'm going to let you sit alongside all the parts of myself I really enjoy. Humble Henry, Lady Integrity, Competent Clarissa... you can hang with these guys. Because I see now that you don't define me, you're just a small part of who I am. I see now that I can be kind and caring towards others AND a little bit vain in the same breath. So next time you speak up, I'll listen with gentleness and kindness. I'll look for the underlying need you're pointing toward.
Next time you hear her say, "I am lazy," (or the alternate, "I'm afraid of being seen as lazy") you'll have the wherewithal to ask yourself, "okay, I hear you shame—so, what does my fear of laziness point to that I'm needing right now?" And you'll take out that PDF you just printed out and circle your needs. ;)
And that brings us to the final and most important part of this exercise: offer yourself the intimacy you're craving.
I know, I know: self-love is so 2018. But this is a different kind of self-love. It's not centered on mere affirmations or luxurious bubble baths. It's about excavating the pieces of yourself that have long been buried and showering them with light. This kind of self-love takes bravery, determination, and will. But this kind of self-love will absolutely change the way you receive love from the world around you.
Remember those needs you circled? The ones your shame was going on and on about? The ones that your shame was also inadvertently BLOCKING you from receiving?? I want you to write down three ways you can speak to each one of those needs.
Example: if one of your needs is 'beauty,' write down three ways you bring beauty into the world, or in which you celebrate it.
If one of your needs is 'competence,' write down three ways you've displayed competency recently.
If one of your needs is 'respect,' write down three ways you respect yourself.
If one of your needs is 'connection,' write down three ways you contribute to the connection in your life.
Allow yourself to feel the sensations that you are receiving from your own kind words to yourself. What does it feel like in your body? What are the new, positive beliefs that may be coming up for you? Notice it, breathe into it, and write it down when you are ready.
If this part of the exercise is too difficult for you, listen to your resistance. What does it feel like in your body? What are the voices that are coming up for you? What are the beliefs? Is there an "I am..." statement that arises and feels painful? If so, repeat the exercise from the top with your new "I am..." statement. There may be another layer of shame that needs to be empathized with and invited to the table before you are ready to receive. And! You might have to walk through the exercise with the same shame belief a few times before it fully connects. That's okay! And TOTALLY NORMAL. Be patient with yourself. When you are ready, you'll notice it feels easier to receive kindness from yourself.
We learn to receive more openly from others when we learn to receive more openly from ourselves.
So: do you feel resistant to emotional intimacy? If so, I hope you can see how SO NOT ALONE you are. Shame is omnipresent. And it's especially prevalent around intimacy. As we start to peel back the layers, it is natural to want to feel shame around 'how long we were blocking ourselves from receiving XY and Z,' but I encourage you to recognize the newfound power you have, instead. You are now equipped with a tool that can help you access so much joy. Better late than never, as they say. Go easy on yourself. That's the whole point, after all.
I want to end by letting you know that I, too, have unearthed a number of blocks around receiving emotional intimacy. It takes a great deal of patience to do this work, so I am humbled and inspired by your willingness to give it a shot, if it's something that speaks to you. I will write more about my personal experiences with this in later posts, but for now I just want you to know that these exercises have been nothing short of life-changing for me. In offering some of my shame a seat at my table, I have experienced a level of freedom I don't think I ever thought could be possible for me. There is a greater sense of 'ease' in my relationships, but most importantly a willingness to receive kindness from myself.
I think I can say that I am finally starting to feel open to receiving. There is a felt sense of being cracked open—not in a vulnerable way so much as an empowering way. It's as though my whole being is staking its claim to all of the love and the light that it deserves, and has deserved for so many years. It's a feeling, much like a long sigh, that quietly exclaims, "finally."
We all deserve to stake our claim to the love and light that surrounds us every day, but it can feel so very difficult to access. I hope these exercises bring you closer to accessing the joy, the connection, the affection, the warmth, the peace—any of the sensations you may be craving and that you so justly deserve.