When you’re in your feelings…

it just means one (or more) of your needs is asking for attention!
Use the chart below to identify which needs are vying for your compassion:

Needs-Header.png

This is a list of needs that ALL humans require to feel fully taken care of. It is by no means the complete list, but the most critical needs like belonging, acceptance, safety, agency, and connection are here.

Take note if you find yourself jotting down the same unmet needs time and time again—this may mean they are particularly tender and I suggest walking them through my RISE series.

Connection

  • acceptance

  • affection

  • appreciation

  • authenticity

  • belonging

  • empathy

  • intimacy

  • connection

  • closeness

  • compassion

  • community

  • inclusion

  • warmth

  • love

  • bonding

  • spirituality

  • sexuality

  • kindness

  • gentleness

  • caring

  • to know and be known

  • to hear and be heard

  • to see and be seen

  • partnership

  • family

  • presence

  • mutuality

  • friendship

  • companionship

  • support

  • collaboration

  • consideration

  • acknowledgment

  • shared-reality

  • security

  • predictability

  • consistency

  • stability

  • trust

  • honesty

  • reliability

  • reassurance

Autonomy

  • agency

  • freedom

  • spontaneity

  • independence

  • choice

  • respect

  • honor

  • dignity

  • self-expression

  • space

Peace

  • hope

  • healing

  • harmony

  • groundedness

  • ease

  • comfort

  • balance

  • beauty

  • equanimity

  • order

  • peace-of-mind

  • space

  • structure

  • clarity

  • focus

  • information

MEANING

  • awareness

  • celebration

  • challenge

  • clarity

  • competence

  • consciousness

  • contribution

  • creativity

  • discovery

  • efficiency

  • effectiveness

  • growth

  • integration

  • integrity

  • learning

  • mourning

  • participation

  • perspective

  • presence

  • progress

  • purpose

  • self-expression

  • stimulation

  • understanding

  • inspiration

  • integrity

  • authenticity

  • wholeness

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

  • food/water

  • rest

  • sleep

  • safety

  • shelter

  • health

  • movement

  • exercise

  • touch

  • nurturing

  • air

  • self-care

  • sexual expression

PLAY

  • adventure

  • excitement

  • fun

  • humor

  • joy

  • relaxation

  • stimulation

  • celebration

  • aliveness

  • beauty

  • play

  • creativity

  • expression

What if My need is not LISTED?

If you come up with a need that’s not on this list, I would first ask you to check which category it could fall under: connection, autonomy, peace, meaning, physical well-being, or play? That will help you understand the breadth of your need even further. Skim the list and see if any other needs align with the one that’s on your mind.

This is especially helpful when your need is a noun. For example, if your need is ‘money,’ I’d encourage you to ask what ‘money’ offers—security, autonomy, or adventure, perhaps? You may discover you don’t ‘need’ money so much as you need freedom. This deeper knowledge will help you explore the many ways you can access freedom, so you don’t feel reliant on one path (or ‘thing’) alone.

Next I would ask you to check whether or not the need implies fault or blame.

Your needS are never about ‘them’

Often times when we are trying to assess our needs, we mix it up with blaming language. “I need you to be quiet.” “I need you to stop attacking me.” — those are not needs. Those are requests. The NEED behind wanting quiet may be a need for peace or ease or comfort or order. The need behind ‘not being attacked’ is often safety, but may also include a need for stability, predictability, peace, etc.

If your need does not place blame on another, then it is likely valid! And I would still encourage you to find synonyms on this list to understand it in a bigger context.