No One is Going to Treat You Like Royalty
Unless you treat yourself like you are.
It's been a weird few weeks. I have been busy working on gratitude calendar designs, sorting through various freelance writing gigs, and managing my personal writing schedule. On top of all the other random inconveniences of life: internet outages, incredibly involved vet visits, and the like.
Mercury in retrograde hit me like a southbound train. Everything that could go wrong did. I tried to take it in stride, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it pushed me through waves of depression. You know how it goes: hopelessness, a desire for total isolation, and, you know, the general sense that I have absolutely no purpose on this planet and probably shouldn't be here so why haven't I been struck in a freak accident, yet, because that's probably all I'm good for.
I've warned you before: I get dark. And over the last few weeks, I've had some dark moments. Usually by myself, almost exclusively internally, and often in my dreams—over the past two weeks all my dreams have been about various ways I can or should feel rejected. They're all about trying and failing. So, um, yeah, I'd say I'm battling some intense feelings of failure. And life's little setbacks don't help.
I'm telling you this because yesterday I reached a breaking point.
I've been troubleshooting design concepts with a company I've been working with on some products and long-story-short they told me they were going to charge me a fee for the time it has taken to troubleshoot.
When I read that email, my ears went red.
I'm talking I was shooting fire through my nostrils. I contemplated various ways to retort.
How am I paying for the time I'M spending troubleshooting errors that they can't even explain?? I'm trying to make their lives easier by taking on all the work to figure it out. It is costing me time AND potential business on an unfinished product—how am I being penalized for that?
R.A.G.E.
Had this happened a few months—even weeks—ago, I would have shrugged it off as annoying and paid the fee to avoid confrontation. But I'm in a dark place, remember? So I entered the red zone REAL quick. Thankfully, I was coherent enough to write three drafts before sending—each one progressively nicer than the one before.
Eventually I felt I'd achieved equal parts diplomacy, equal parts defiance.
I sat there and read my draft over about 12 times. I felt bad. Even though I had handled it with the utmost professionalism, I was worried about HURTING FEELINGS when I hit send!
I would rather be taken advantage of than upset someone I don't even know.
#femaleproblems
So then I let the email sit. And I walked away. And then I carried on with my day, feeling as defeated as I was aggravated. And then I slept on it. And then I went to a 6:30am yoga class. And then, near the end of my class, as I wound down from a really incredible flow, I had one of those lightbulb moments you can't quite explain but are SO happy you paid attention to.
Oh the difference a yoga flow can make.
It happened while I was in 'peaceful warrior with protection' pose. I couldn't find a good photo of it online, so here's me pretending like I know what I'm doing:
The inherent dichotomy of this pose has one of the most powerful effects I've ever had the pleasure of encountering. On the one hand, you are in peaceful warrior with your heart stretched upward toward the sky. It is a sort of offering to the universe—an expression of surrender. In the same breath (literally), your second arm is straight—an expression of strength—and your palm is facing out as if to ward off all negativity and despair.
You are surrendering at the same time as you are protecting yourself.
DOES THAT GIVE YOU CHILLS, TOO?!
Not going to lie, I kiiiind of wanted to burst into happy tears in this pose. I had been needing, so badly, to surrender. I have been putting so much pressure on myself. I have taken all of my setbacks as signs from the universe that I am failing or stupid or terrible or worthless. I have been internalizing them, fighting them, instead of simply SURRENDERING to them. At the same time, this pose reminded me that surrender does not mean defeat.
I can surrender to the weight of the world and still stand my ground. I can honor my strength and SECURE MY BOUNDARIES while allowing my heart to feel vulnerable.
I felt, for a second, kind of like royalty. Not really sure why I interpreted it that way, but bear with me. It just felt regal, I guess.
Somehow, while my brain fired neurons a billion miles per second trying to process this overwhelming feeling, the following phrase materialized my head:
No one is going to treat you like royalty if you don't behave like royalty.
I don't mean you get to behave like a self-righteous jerk and have people bow at your feet, okay?
I mean you don't get the respect that you're seeking from the world if you don't treat yourself with respect.
Let me make that even clearer: you won't get respect if you don't BEHAVE like you deserve respect. It's one thing to think you DESERVE respect. But if you don't behave like you deserve it, you're not doing yourself any favors.
You can substitute "royalty" for anything, by the way:
No one is going to treat you like you're brave if you don't behave like you are.
No one is going to treat you like you're fun if you don't behave like you are.
No one is going to treat you like you're smart if you don't behave like you are.
All of these things that have been "happening to me"—how was I protecting myself from the negativity of it all?! Feeling aggravated and defeated isn't a form of protection or surrender. It's simply pushback. I was fighting what was coming at me, not surrendering into it.
Let's say you were in a position of power... (royalty is just a simplified example); how would you respond to setbacks?
Would you kick and scream and feel like a big fat failure? Or would you HONOR your power, stand your ground, ACCEPT the setbacks for what they are, and power through with integrity? Do you see the difference?! I wasn't surrendering with integrity or strength. I was collapsing into myself in defeat.
So after yoga, I went home. I read over my email to that company. Did I still feel that it was an unjust charge? Yes. (setback) Can I accept that it is a setback I cannot control? Yes. (surrender) Do I feel like my response was fair and diplomatic? Yes. (integrity) Did I also feel that my response was unapologetic and firm? Yes. (strength)
And then I said to myself, "no one is going to treat you with respect if you don't behave with self-respect." Recognizing that, did I still feel "bad" for potentially hurting feelings? No. (royalty, bitch) Then I hit send. And here's the thing: I don't care if they still want to charge me the fee. I stood my ground to the best of my ability, I asserted as much self-respect as I could muster, and that's all that matters.
Where in your life can you behave a little more like (morally ethical) royalty?
(We're not talking #CerseiGoals here. Let's aim a little more Jon Snow, okay?)
Can you create firm boundaries while also surrendering to the ebbs and flow of life? Where can you offer yourself more protection and strength in the face of adversity? Can you allow yourself to surrender a little deeper to those same setbacks? Can you honor the events you cannot control? If nothing else, can you try that pose for a few minutes? ; )
PS. As I was writing this, this song came on and it's so appropriate, you should definitely listen to it:
xo. 🌵