How to Light Your Heart on Fire
Sometimes I wish phrases like 'self-love' could carry a little more conviction. It sounds so soft, you know? Self-love. Like, what are we talking about here? Are you going to light some candles and whisper sweet nothings into your own ear? I mean, you can if you want to. But for those of us who are inspired by a little more gusto, the idea of spending a quiet night in with our feelings is underwhelming. Where's the passion, the zest, the fire?! Look no further, because self-love is actually pretty badass. Look at it as 'the match that sparks the fire within our hearts,' and be forever changed.So how do you light that match?
Here are 5 techniques that'll not only kick-start the spark, but fan the flame inside that beautiful beating heart of yours:
No. 1 - OWN THE VALUE OF THE 'OBJECTIVE P.O.V.'
If you sign up for my happiness bootcamp you'll learn about mid-way through that I like to look at myself from one of two points-of-view: (1) as a mad scientist who's fascinated by my every move, or (2) as a detective. I love these analogies because good scientists and detectives have to be objective to do their jobs well. They're fact collectors. When scientists and detectives let their judgement get in the way, they don't make progress. The data gets warped or the wrong suspect gets apprehended. The consequences are real. The consequences are just as dire when we cloud our self-analysis with judgement. We blame ourselves for things that aren't our fault, we don't take responsibility for the pain we've contributed to, the list goes on. To be blunt, this shit messes us up big time. Because we can't heal what's not actually broken, and we can't correct the wrongs we don't know we've committed. Understanding that there's a way to look at yourself as a third party—and to STOP yourself when you start to pass judgement—is critical for growth. Just collect the facts.
No. 2 - KNOW YOUR "FLAWS" // DON'T HARP ON THEM
Listen, even Superman has a weakness. The dude totally loses it whenever he's around kryptonite. He's irrefutably aware of this. But does that stop him from being a hero and doing hero things? NO. Because he doesn't harp on his flaws. Seriously, imagine if Superman were like, "oh, there's a plane falling from the sky with a hundred babies on it? That's too bad. I mean, I'd go, but have you SEEN me around kryptonite? I'm a hot mess. I don't want to risk the .00348347% chance that one of those babies is wearing a bib made of kryptonite." That would be ridiculous. It's just as crazy when you berate yourself for your imperfections. We all have weaknesses. That doesn't mean we don't all have even more powerful strengths.
No. 3 - NOTE YOUR SKILLS // REMIND YOURSELF OF THEM OFTEN
Take note of where you excel naturally. What comes easily for you? I always find it's best to write these down. Post your list somewhere you'd see it often. Think about it before you go to bed. Hold it. Cuddle with it. Whisper sweet nothings to it (hey, it's Valentine's Day, let me run with this). Do whatever you have to do to remind yourself that you have strengths. They don't exist in the same category as your weaknesses. They stand alone, they are incredible, and they deserve to be fostered without fear.
No. 4 - SAY UPBEAT THINGS TO YOURSELF
Everybody loves Coach Taylor. You know why? Well, for a lot of reasons but ALSO because he knows how to amp up his team. His motivational speech game is strong. You know what it takes to motivate a team? You've gotta BUILD THEM UP! You don't stand there and go, "Guys, there's a VERY slim chance you'll win this. You can't really throw, your running game is terrible, and you've all got a serious case of the butterfingers. But, hey, you know, get out there and try your best? If their QB gets hit by lightening—that'd be pretty solid for us." No. NO. Just stop. Coach Taylor looks his team and he PUMPS THEM UP. He reminds them of their strengths. He encourages them to believe in themselves. When you walk out your door in the morning, are you Coach Tayloring yourself?! Or are you stick-in-the-mudding? You get to decide. Just remember: clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
No. 5 - FORGIVE YOURSELF
I saved the toughest for last. (You're welcome). There are things we've all done that we're not proud of—maybe you hurt someone, maybe you suddenly realized that you've been unknowingly hurting yourself for years, or maybe you made a mistake and missed one of the biggest opportunities of your life. It happens. I know you don't want to hear that, but it does. And it's never easy to confront these things when they do happen. I could pull a million examples out of my hat—moments I wish I hadn't said things that I did, or times I misstepped, which led to embarrassment or failure. For the sake of Valentine's Day, I've even got 'wishing I didn't pine so long or try to change myself for the wrong person' on my list! Any memory I have where I audibly cringe—those are the memories I have to remind myself to forgive. It's not about making excuses—sometimes we do things that aren't appropriate, or alright—but it's about forgiving yourself for the misstep. This is an important distinction. Forgiving yourself allows you to move forward, to earnestly learn from your mistakes, and keeps you from wallowing in ways that could hold you back. But you've still got to own your mistakes. They're yours. And we all make them, so be kind.