Unblocking the Narrative "Nobody Takes Me Seriously When I Don't Look Perfect"
“Nobody Takes Me Seriously Unless I Look Perfect”
Yesterday I was about to post a video to Instagram, but stopped when I saw my reflection in the camera. My hair was unwashed and pulled back, my skin looked shiny, the fine lines weren’t looking so fine anymore, and my neck was doing this weird thing where it looked dehydrated and, uh, like it had aged 30 years overnight. (Yes, I drink enough water).
Because I’ve become a pro at recognizing my reactivity, I decided to be honest with my community. (Showing you how to walk through reactivity is, after all, what I am here to offer). So I asked my Instagram community if they wanted me to share what it looks like when I reprogram an unhelpful narrative. They said yes! So here we are.
I really enjoy rewriting my narratives. In fact, it feels like I’ve been able to ‘gamify’ it in a way that makes the experience fun, rather than work. That doesn’t mean the feelings are always fun, but I know what it feels like to get to the other side of a narrative—and it’s freeing. It’s hard not to want to chase that feeling again! And once I start to see the benefit of leaning into my new narratives—the freedom it continues to bring—that only motivates me more.
So here’s how I break it down:
Step 1: Recognize Reactivity
This deserves its own post (which I will churn out soon), but for the purpose of this article, all you need to know is ‘reactivity’ can show up as any feeling of discomfort in the body.
Yesterday, just before opening the app, I was feeling excitement in my body. I had something I wanted to share and I felt good about the information I was about to offer. The excitement showed up as a boost of energy, fluttering sensation in my throat, and overall ‘happy’ mood. As soon as I turned the camera on myself, I felt all of that excitement vanish—it was replaced instead with shock and disappointment. This showed up as a tightness in my throat, a surge of fatigue, and a ‘wringing’ sensation in my gut.
Because I went from 60 to 0 so quickly, the reactivity was obvious. Something had changed suddenly and in an instant. So: hi, reactivity, I see you.
Recognizing reactivity shows you you’ve got something to work with.
Step 2: Pinpoint the Narrative
So, disclaimer: I’m a huge fan of shortcuts. Once I recognize my reactivity, I hop into my ‘Reprogramming’ Journey within my RISE series. It walks me through all the following steps while in a meditative state. I prefer this because when you’re in a meditative state you’re what I like to call ‘subconscious forward,’ which is a fancy way of saying you can get out of your own way. I tend to overthink everything. But when I’m in a meditative state, I trust that the first thing that comes to mind is exactly what I need to see. And it’s never failed me! All this to say: you can absolutely journal the next few things out (I have done it this way with great success!) but it will take a little bit longer than if you journey.
That said! The narrative is an ‘if/then’ statement about your identity (ego). It’s basically answering the question, “what is this situation saying about you?”
In my case, seeing myself on camera and not loving what I saw made me feel unworthy of being seen. “IF I post this video, THEN nobody will take me seriously because they’ll be too focused on my flaws.”
I can condense that down to: “Nobody takes me seriously when I don’t look perfect.”
And there’s the unhelpful narrative that’s blocking me from being myself on camera!
Step 3: Identify Where You First Picked Up This Narrative
This can be broken into mini-steps. Technically you can skip to “b.” but I like to include needs because it not only helps you identify a more specific memory of where you picked up your narrative, but it also helps you gain a deeper understanding of your psyche—eventually you start to see a pattern where certain unmet needs trigger you more than others. This is HUGE! Because now you know that if you work on nourishing those more tender needs in your day-to-day, you will experience fewer triggers in your life!
a. identify your unmet needs
The needs that weren’t met for me when I saw myself on camera were comfort, ease, beauty, compassion (for self), contribution, and self-expression. I reference my needs list when I’m struggling to think of any.
b. think back to the first time you can remember where this narrative—and these needs—showed up in your life?
Okay, so this is where I think the Journeys reign supreme! My INITIAL thought before diving into the meditation was that this narrative probably started with my dad (sorry, dad) who cared a LOT about appearance. But when I was in the Reprogramming Journey, that wasn’t the earliest memory that popped into my head! It was actually an experience I had at a camp when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I was really excited to go to this week-long overnight camp, but I ended up having a wildly different experience. I made zero friends and the camp counselors had to, like, convince kids to hang out with me. It was truly the weirdest situation I’d ever been in because up until that point in my life, it had been VERY easy for me to make friends. But I had gained some weight since I’d been in a scenario where I needed to make new friends, and I had was painfully self-aware of how ugly I felt, which made me exceptionally shy and void of any personality.
So within the Journey, even though I had NO idea I’d be taken to this memory, I decided to trust and go with it.
If I had been journaling, I probably would have written some memories of my dad caring too much about how people presented themselves, yada yada—and look, I wouldn’t have been wrong! Our narratives are reinforced from MANY different angles. Culturally, through family, and based on one-off events! But I have already done a lot of work around the programming I received from my father. My psyche was targeting a new scenario that was more peer-centered. And it makes more sense considering my original trigger happened on Instagram, which is peer-centered!
Step 4: Rewrite the Narrative
Again I’ll sing the praises of the Journey here. To truly integrate a new narrative, you need to feel it. And it’s easier to get into that feeling space when you’re in a meditative state. In my Journeys, I use the archetype of the higher self to walk through your old memories with you. This character helps show you what the situation could have looked like if you’d had someone looking out for your needs, standing up for you, or supporting you in whatever way feels good.
HOWEVER! You can do the visualization for yourself! You might find that you are wildly successful on your own.
The idea is to revisit your memory from the previous step and ‘rebuild’ it so that you are supported. What would that memory have looked like if you had gotten everything you needed? Rewrite that shit!
In my memory, I was rejected by my peers. So in my visualization, I used my Higher Self to get me out of my shell—allow those kids to see my free-spirited playful side. Once they saw that, they were receptive! They wanted to hang out. I also used my Higher Self as a sort of ‘best friend’ character who helped me integrate into the group. It didn’t matter that my hair wasn’t washed or my lips were chapped or my face was chubby—I was accepted because I was being myself.
Rewrite the narrative based on the NEW memory. If this had been your real experience, what would the situation have said about you??
NEW NARRATIVE: “My inner world is what radiates, not my outer world.”
I gave myself some time to fully integrate that narrative into my body. I visualized it sinking into my bones. And when the Journey was complete, I opened my eyes and I felt different about myself. I actually believed that my inner world is the most important part of who I am.
Will this narrative stick?
I mean, I hope so! But the reality is that the unhelpful version of this narrative is a deeply ingrained belief, which is constantly being reinforced by society. Think of how the media treats our physical appearance. Not to mention our family patterns that we will continue to witness because even if we are shaping OUR narratives, we can’t single-handedly reshape our parents’ behavior around these patterns, right?
To put it simply, this is probably a narrative that I will have to continue to tap into and reinforce. And I am okay with that because every time I reinforce it, the new narrative sticks a little bit deeper. I have already grown leaps-and-bounds from the girl who used to cry when she saw photos of herself that weren’t “perfect.” (I cringe just thinking that I used to be that way—but hey, it’s real!)
One thing we CAN and SHOULD do to reinforce our new narratives is to SEE WHERE THEY ALREADY EXIST IN THE WORLD.
This practice is SO helpful. Look for role models—people who are living, breathing evidence that this new narrative can work in your favor. I can think of like 3 Instagrammers off the top of my head who I think do an incredible job sharing videos of themselves without worrying about filters, makeup, or bad angles. And I still watch them! I still find their information valuable! So reminding myself that my new narrative does exist in the wild and can be fully integrated is going to help make this stick.
Did you enjoy this breakdown? Do you want to see more? Please consider sharing this information with someone who might find value in it—or reach out to me directly to let me know how it sits. Let me know if you have questions! Let me know if you try it! You can DM me on Instagram or email me at killian[at]freenotradical.com.
I’m getting personal with you not because I like to air my dirty laundry but because I want it to inspire you. So let me know if I can contribute in an even more meaningful way. Love to you all!