Four Magic Words: "I Need to Process"
We've all been there — that pit in your stomach when somebody says something off-handed, the tightness in your chest when your patience starts to run thin, the heat rising into your cheeks when you see something that goes against your values.
But what do you typically do when these feelings arise?
Do you push them down? Ignore them? Tell yourself it's no big deal? Wait until there's someone safer to take them out on (or vent to)? Or do you let it all loose? Unleash? And embrace the catharsis of total, uninhibited reactivity?
You're smart. You know what I'm getting at: none of these strategies are "healthy." They'll all come back to bite you, one way or another.
But you, like most of us, were probably not taught any other strategy for emotional management. For so many years, you've been stuck between a rock and a hard place—with no real tool to navigate what often feels like an emotional mine field.
I'd like you to meet your new favorite phrase:
"hold on - I need to process."
This phrase has saved me from myself more times than I can count.
I love it because by speaking these words you're not only communicating effectively with whoever's ruffling your feathers, but you're giving yourself permission to pause.
Sometimes your brain just needs a directive.
so how do you: actually process once you've said the magic words?
First: acknowledge that pausing is a massive step.
It's your best step, really, because you're training your brain that it's possible to interrupt reactivity. You're telling your nervous system to take a breather—THAT'S POWER.
But. You're still human and those feelings still need a place to go.
The following prompts, which are rooted in the Non-Violent Communication technique, are the most effective way to process that I've ever come across. (If you find something better, you let me know.)
PROCESSING PROMPTS:
1. I AM FEELING ______________________
There's a ton of research to support the simple act of announcing your feelings. It deflates the intensity of uncomfortable feelings and—miraculously—increases the intensity of joyful feelings. Even if you only get this far, you're doing yourself a favor.
2. BECAUSE I'M NEEDING ______________________
This bit is a little tricky because we often confuse 'wants' and 'requests' with actual needs. When in doubt—and I cannot stress this enough—USE A NEEDS LIST. <—that one links to my site and you're welcome to bookmark it. When you scan the list, you will have a physical reaction to any need that is alive for you. There may be more than one. Jot them down when you feel that hit and circle the ones that are most tender.
If you're in a pinch: the most common unmet needs are SAFETY, BELONGING, CONNECTION, ACCEPTANCE, and SUPPORT.
3. I CAN MEET THIS NEED BY ______________________
In order to regulate, your nervous system needs to know you're going to be taken care of—even if it's a future promise. If it doubts your ability to meet the need, the feeling will stay activated. So, get creative with ways YOU can nourish the need without the help of other people. This gives you agency. There are an infinite number of creative strategies to meet needs, so don't worry that it's impossible—it's not. (We'll talk about how to involve other people some other time. For now, this is an exercise for YOU to have full agency.)
In a pinch: choose a memory of a time the need was met. Close your eyes and let the feeling of the met need wash over you. This reminds the brain that you are not permanently starved of this need and it will relax.
4. RETURN ONLY WHEN YOU FEEL REGULATED
If you need to dive back into a triggering conversation, you're going to want to do so from a grounded place. Your feelings may get re-activated, but NOW you're armed with awareness. You know what's happening under the surface, so you can HOLD SPACE for your feelings without letting them run the show.
We'll talk about holding space another time. ;)
If you give this technique a shot, I'd love to hear how it goes!