what to do when you've been failed
I didn't mean to get all debbie-downer on you with that headline, but something tells me we've all been feeling a little 'let down' of late.
So let's talk about that.
We've been failed. All of us. A lot of times! By a lot of people... I mean, over the course of our lives, every one of us has been on the receiving end of a broken promise or a betrayal of some sort—but now!
Now there's all this collective focus on how the SYSTEMS we've learned to rely on are failing us, too. And we're watching the fallout from that play out on a large scale. And it's a little scary.
How are we supposed to deal?! How do we navigate our need to be taken care of when we don't trust our caretakers?!
The answer is: we learn to be more self-reliant.
That doesn't mean anarchy or removing yourself from society or making a pact to stop trusting anybody.
It means learning that YOU are your greatest advocate—and while others may have your best interests at heart, YOU are the person who gets to decide what those interests are.
Other people—and systems—will only work to your benefit if you are able to advocate for yourself. Because our communities and our infrastructures are built to be our partners. Somewhere along the line, somebody decided they should be the ultimate authority. It should be 'their job' to tell us what we need—but that 'blind faith' power dynamic is destroying our mental health. Because when we hand over our power and let others assume what's best for us, they'll try to create a 'one-size-fits-all' solution which is bound to let us down because we're not one-size-fits-all.
When people are let down, they usually do one of two things:
(1) get angry and blame
(2) go inward and feel shame (for trusting in the first place).
What do you notice about these reactions?
In both cases, they give the OTHER PERSON (or system or entity, etc) THE POWER. There is ZERO personal empowerment happening here. Either you lash out at someone else, or you lash out at yourself. There's no groundedness, no regulation—and in both cases, there is no constructive resolution, either.
I'm going to repeat what I said earlier because it's critical: while others may have your best interests at heart (and may offer wonderful solutions for your needs!) YOU ARE THE PERSON WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHAT YOUR BEST INTERESTS ARE.
Even in a medical environment (and I bring this up because I'm pregnant), the patient legally has the last word. The patient MUST consent. But a lot of people—pregnant people, especially—don't realize that. We often hand over our power because we don't want to trust ourselves to be our doctors' partners. Doctors have the credentials and loads of knowledge, but you live in your body. Work together and you can do what's best for your body. Work separately and it's easy to feel confused, pressured, and... dare I say... let down.
What does it feel like to consider yourself a PARTNER to the systems that support you? Empowering or uncomfortable? Would you rather have someone else in charge of your best interests because it feels easier? Or are you like, "heck yeah! I'm tired of feeling like I'm just watching the world burn without any agency!"
Assuming it's the latter...
Here's how to reconnect to your inner advocate:
1) Start thinking of yourself as everybody's partner. Literally everybody. And your job, within each partnership, is to communicate your needs so that your partners know how to support you. If they misstep, you get to recognize that you're one-half of this partnership! You have agency and authority to find a way to meet your needs, even when they are unable—and it may mean you have to find a new partnership, which you are entirely capable of doing.
2) Get crystal clear on your needs. What is in your best interest? When you enter a partnership with a person, an institution, a career—what are you hoping to get out of it, really? What needs to be honored and upheld for you to thrive? Getting clear allows you to catch red flags early... maybe early enough to avoid certain partnerships that won't serve you.
3) Get comfortable with doing some research. What better way to advocate for yourself than to fact-check for yourself? This protects you from the feeling of 'let down' because while you may be gathering information from folks with certified knowledge, you're supplementing it so you can engage in better conversation about how to really meet your needs.
4) Use the B.R.A.I.N acronym to make decisions. This is another strategy I've learned from pregnancy, but it's applicable to all decisions ever. When you weigh your options, examine the Benefits vs. Risks. Ask if there are any Alternative solutions (and perhaps: research some!). Allow your Intuition to speak up. And ask yourself, if you did Nothing, what would you gain or lose?
When you allow yourself to see yourself as a partner in the relationship between you and an 'authority,' you are less likely to blame or shame when your needs aren't met. When a promise is made and broken, you may still feel disappointed and are fully encouraged to voice that, but you won't feel so helpless.
Every relationship you have really IS a partnership. The people who 'fail' us need our support, too, in order to thrive. Think of the doctor who engages in malpractice: if people stop going to him, his business dies. If a system is broken and enough people advocate for themselves to voice that and build a different system... the original system dies.
So allow yourself to CALL YOUR POWER BACK. Become your own advocate. And be prepared for less 'let down' and more accountability.