catching thoughts: mindfulness in action
I won't be including an audio version of today's email because I don't have my mic with me this weekend. Also, this email is a little different because it's just a personal anecdote—I thought it would be worth a share since it's a common narrative and you may see parts of yourself within it.
Hopefully witnessing how I worked through it will be helpful if you find yourself in a similar boat.
a never-ending lesson in: body talk
Last week I had some maternity photos taken in the hills of Topanga Canyon, just outside of LA. Since I've been pregnant for the duration of the pandemic, I haven't been able to 'celebrate' this transition in a traditional way, so getting some artistic shots felt like a way to invite ritual and celebration into the experience.
The day after the shoot, the photographer sent me a couple of 'sneak peek' shots. I saw myself in the images and immediately jumped into an old pattern of behavior: criticism. Thoughts like: Wow, I'm so much bigger than I thought I was and: my body doesn't match my vision of the ideal pregnant body (whatever that is).
Like I said, this is an old pattern of negative self-talk behavior. I've been tackling body image issues for over 10 years and I've made great progress. I've learned the value of speaking kindly to myself. And truthfully, throughout the duration of this pregnancy I have been kind to myself. I've genuinely enjoyed watching my body do its thing.
So when I heard myself think cruel thoughts, I caught myself. And I experienced something I had never noticed before when engaging in negative self-talk: it stung.
It stung differently than before. In the past, when I'd think something cruel about myself, I would feel bad for the rest of the day, but I'd accept it as fact. This time... it was as though I was listening to a dear friend talk down to me—and it hurt my feelings. ...I was hurting my feelings.
This is the benefit of a mindfulness practice. It has taught me to separate thought from identity. Finally, I could see my thoughts as separate from myself. I am not these criticisms. I am on the receiving end—and it's not okay.
the action plan: somatic meditation
This is a style of meditation that works well for me. I use it in my RISE series—it's essentially where you drop into a meditative state, revisit the time in your life when you picked up old patterns of behavior, and 're-imagine' your memories as though you'd received only nourishment and love. Basically, you make up fake memories that feel good.
This is a style of meditation that has been used in hypno-therapy and mindfulness/somatic therapy for years. It has recently become popularized by 'manifestation expert' Lacy Phillips of ToBeMagnetic, whose meditations I've been enjoying lately. People love this style of meditation because it's effective for many (myself included) and mental shifts can unfold rather quickly. It works because when you are feeling the experience of nourishment in meditation, you're actively creating new neural pathways in the brain that can heal trauma and create new (more helpful) patterns of behavior.
So after letting myself feel the 'ouch' of my negative self-talk, and journaling a little about it, I dropped into one of these meditations. I walked myself from childhood to adolescence—basically any sticky memory where I remember unhealthy parental role modeling, peer conditioning, or cultural pressure having an affect on me. I imagined what life would have looked like if I had only received healthy, nourishing encouragement from my community on the topic of body image. I came out of it feeling glowy and whole.
Afterward, I chose to look at the photos my photographer had sent me earlier in the day and I asked myself: what do I see now?
From a state of mind that felt nourished and lovable despite physical appearance, I saw the photos in a completely new light. I saw a body in flux. A living organism that was capable of growth and change and was never ever 'stuck' in one form. The form she had taken in these photos was soft, but powerful. She exuded a special kind of strength that some might be able to recognize ...while others may not. But in this moment: I could see it.
It was a lightbulb moment for me, to analyze a photo not by the 2-dimensional image, but by its energetic essence. And isn't this true in real-life, too? That people are most attractive to us when we can see—and feel drawn to—their energy?
It's a lovely new way for me to reframe my experience with myself and my image. It will take some reinforcement. I may have opened a new neural network in my brain, but the only way to maintain connection to it is to reinforce it.
I'll choose to do this consciously: by revisiting my meditations but also by actively choosing to see myself through this lens, especially when I catch myself falling into old patterns. If I feel the sting of my own tongue again, I can ask: if I look at this through the lens of nourishment, what do I see?
meditation is not the only way to reframe
I'm simply sharing because it's what has been working for me for the past few years. If you're struggling with patterns of behavior that need to shift, there are many effective avenues to approach it. If you haven't tried the meditative approach, you might enjoy it! But I think most important of all is learning to get into a habit of catching your thoughts.
You are not your thoughts. You are pure energy.
Your thoughts can manipulate your energy. But when you're able to separate the two, you get to decide which form you want your energy to take. This week, I chose nourishment over pain.
Wishing you plenty of nourishment this week, as well.
xo,
Killian