Self-Love is Not Narcissism

One of the major barriers to self-love is the notion that valuing yourself will somehow turn you into the subject of Carly Simon's, "You're So Vain." It's not true, but I get it.  When I was in kindergarten, I was given an award because I'd remembered to bring my gym clothes every day that week. I was honestly floored. I consistently forgot to bring my gym clothes, so this was a big step forward for tiny ol' me. At lunch, I sat holding my little paper certificate and felt pride for the first time I can remember. "I can't believe I got this!" I said out loud, beaming. One of the girls at the table was quick to chastise me, "Nobody likes a bragger!" she scolded. I vowed never to brag again. Then, when I was in seventh grade, a friend of mine labeled me as 'vain' because she noticed I was in most the photos of friends and family that littered my room. Her judgement was not the result of anything I'd ever said about myself, just the fact that I let my face participate in a celebration of happy memories that I draped around my personal space. I was horrified. Here I was thinking I was allowed to feel included in my memories, but really I was just a narcissistic jerk! Chances are we've all had some kind of social reprimand keep our narcissism in check. And for good reason. Our culture both fears and feeds off narcissism. Take a look at the Presidential candidates if you need an example. We love to point at it, laugh, and even—in a strange way—covet it. But this is because there's a huge disconnect between narcissism, confidence, and self-love. (we really need more words to define the various forms of 'love' that fall within our spectrum of understanding)

Just because you love yourself, doesn't mean you're going to FALL IN LOVE with yourself!

There are two kinds of love: romantic love and universal love. Romantic love is the one we all understand. It's fallible. It ebbs and flows: it's passionate, sometimes blind, sometimes nurturing, and it can sometimes fade. This is the kind of love that can be volatile if we allow it to consume us. Universal love is not fallible. It is the love you feel for a child—the love you felt as a child. It's the love that that fills you when you're standing on the top of a mountain staring at a sunset. The kind that inspires you to save a litter of puppies you find on the side of a highway, or give a meal to someone who needs it. It's the kind of love that you feel in those (maybe rare) moments when you feel completely and entirely open. THIS is the kind of love that inspired religion, in all its many forms. This is the kind of love that is capable of great, positive change.

To feed yourself universal love is to see yourself—without judgement—for you who are in this moment, to recognize that nothing is permanent, and to offer your heart what it needs to hear.  

There is no "you can do better, you will be better, you are a work in progress." — there is just "you are lovable, you are in need, and I can fulfill that need." There's nothing romantic about this kind of self-love. You're not going to pull a Narcisuss, falling in love with your own reflection and plunging to your death as a result. Imagine if you had a friend who wanted to start a company. This is a friend you love and respect SO much, who you believe in SO fiercely, that you decide to quit your job to help them start this company. You'd execute any task necessary to help your friend reach their goal, from the grunt work to the fun stuff. It's all for the sake of this person you believe in. When your friend is discouraged, you build them up—because you honestly believe in this person. You know they have what it takes. Success is just a matter of time. Now imagine that friend is YOU. And "you" are your inner voice. What would that feel like, to finally have an ally that passionate about your dreams!? Do you see how in this light you also aren't "settling?" Loving who you are is not going to leave you stagnant, destined to accept a life of mediocrity. (This is another "self-love" myth that drives me crazy.) IT WORKS IN EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE WAY.  Showing yourself universal love will motivate you to reach your goals with even more fervor than you've ever felt before. Finally, you'll have someone in your corner who wants to see you succeed—who knows exactly what you need and will stop at nothing to help you get there.

Invest in yourself this week:

Write down 3 goals. Tell yourself you're worthy of accomplishing them. Recognize you'll make mistakes along the way—and be kind to yourself about it. You've got this.