In today’s culture phrases like, “self love is a radical act” ring true. But the GOAL is that it’s not radical. The goal is that it’s boring and basic and a regular part of every day life. The more we embody it, the more normal it becomes—and the more accessible for us all.
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I believe in alchemy. I believe your energy shifts based on the books you read, the shows you watch, and the people you hang around.
At the Journal I share my stories, tools, and musings that are intended to shift your energy into openness, empowerment, and calm. If you’re looking to find a moment of peace—or just some shared reality—this is the place to start.
Read the latest:
If you’ve been here a while, you’ve likely noticed a dramatic decrease in posts over the last two years. There are many reasons for this. Part of it is due to the natural ebb and flow of life (I had a baby, I was too busy with other projects, etc), part of it was due to a little bit of humility (do I really have the hubris to preach while I am still learning?), and part of it—perhaps the majority—was an emerging fear of the permanency of the written word.
There has been a great deal of emphasis over the past few years on digging up words that people have written and using them to prove their inadequacies. As a witness to this, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t also passed judgment onto those who have expressed cringe-worthy sentiments online. As someone who cares about the process of healing, I understand the power that words carry. In the same breath—as someone who cares about the process of healing—I don’t believe in the permanency of thought.
One of the strangest paradoxes I’ve discovered on my own ‘growth’ journey is the “nourishment barrier.” The basic concept is this: when you were small and certain needs were unmet, you made up a story to protect yourself from how painful it felt. Often, it sounded a little something like, “I don’t actually need that thing.” As you grew up, you may have discovered that you really do need the thing. But for some reason, when people actively offer you what you’re needing, you cannot see or feel it. You might ignore it. You might make up a reason why it doesn’t quite do the trick. The need still feels ‘unmet.’
Nourishment barriers are tricky little things. They are designed to go unnoticed to the point where even if they get called out, you will deny, deny, deny.
Often, the nourishment barrier is layered under a series of stories you’ve told yourself about who you are and what you need. Stories that may not be true, but that you believe in your bones.
If you haven’t heard of nourishment barriers (you’d be in the majority) and you’re curious to see how they manifest and wreak havoc on a person’s life, read on:
I am listening to the sound of my toddler’s voice in the other room, neighing as though she were a horse. It reminds me of her excitement last night, after a “this little piggy” session, when she ran to her father’s toes and started squealing, “weee wee wee wee!”
She so wants to share her joy when she is in it.
I just finished a meditation. I don’t meditate like the books tell you to, I listen. I listen for voices of kindness and reason and love to come through and comfort me. To remind me why I’m here. To encourage me. To guide me away from the distractions and toward my values.
Meditate here
I’m a visual learner, so the meditations I enjoy are visual, too. I call my meditations “journeys” because they feel more like stories you get to crawl inside. I use visual cues and archetypal characters to allow you to travel deep into your psyche to reframe your reality, tend to any pain points, and have a few breakthroughs—all while feeling safe and supported.
bring it home here
Way back in 2015 I designed my first gratitude calendar and it has since amassed a bit of a fan club—loyal customers who have purchased year-after-year because the practice is just that simple and the effects are just that powerful.
Write in one thing each day that brings you gratitude—watch as your brain shifts from a lack to abundant mindset.
Your environment IS your body. You are of this earth (and so you shall return, right?) “You belong here on this rock.” “You are stardust”—all the mantras are true. Similarly, a community embodies the spirit of a collective. When we ignore our spirit side—our connection to the unknown and unseen and unfamiliar—we lose sight of our connection to each other and in particular those who are unknown, unseen, and unfamiliar to us. We become xenophobic and divisive.
There’s a grounding effect as you make your way down the star. Your environment grounds your body which can ground your thoughts. Your community harnesses your spirit which can help harness your mind.
I attribute this a little bit to my nature, a little to nurture. It’s always been in my nature to be hyper observant. This set me up to get really good at reading patterns of behavior in other people. As a kid, this came in handy because I could adequately predict how the people in my life would behave in certain scenarios, which gave me some semblance of predicability in an otherwise unpredictable world. This made me feel safe.
Of course, there are trade-offs. My penchant for observation turned into hyper-vigilance, which turned into a belief that my self-worth was based on how the people around me felt. It’s no surprise that by my teenage years I was beginning to grapple with depression, self-loathing, body shame, and anxiety. I was losing sight of how I felt and becoming enmeshed with others, instead. I was relying on the behavior of others to determine the quality of my own life. It’s a recipe for disaster. I was unconsciously handing over control of my happiness. And in trying to regain that control, I would try to control the feelings of the people around me. I used my hyper-vigilance to predict conflict so that I could either avoid or fix it. Some people call this people-pleasing.
I learned over time, though, that I couldn’t actually control other people’s feelings. At a certain point, you get crushed by the weight of trying to hold everyone else up. In my early 20s, brimming with resentment that I could not change other people to make my life better, I caved. If I wanted to stop the cycle of suffering, I had to focus on the only thing I could control: myself.
That’s why I started ‘doing the work’ and I haven’t stopped since. I haven’t stopped for two reasons. First, because it feels good. It feels good to be empowered to handle my own quality of life. It feels good to have breakthroughs that lead to more calm, more peace, more joy, more expansion. But I also haven’t stopped because it’s an ever-evolving door. New life events unearth long-repressed narratives. Old habits love to reinvent themselves. ‘Doing the work’ is, in part, a commitment to layers of labor. To live consciously is to understand that life gets better as you grow, but growth doesn’t work on a deadline. It gets easier, though, as the layers unfold. And the gains are so, so worth it.
If you’ve been there, you know that breakthroughs can come with major mental hangovers. Some strategies for processing are more supportive than others. And look—I’m not a therapist, so I’m not here to tell you what strategy will be best for YOU, but I will say that my opinion as a ‘student’ of well-being is that empathy has to be present if you want to make big changes without spiraling into grief around your past. Modalities like non-violent communication offer a particularly sturdy foundation for self-betterment.
I enjoy meditation as a healing tool because it’s a way of fast-tracking the nervous system into groundedness, which sets the stage for helpful breakthroughs and gentle reframing. I started writing meditations for myself—and now they’re for you, too.
I want everyone to heal their hearts. I want everyone to learn how, in the midst of an emotional spell, to pause, hold space, reframe, and access peace. I want all of your relationships to feel safe. Perhaps this is the part of myself who still wants to control the outside, who wants who wants predictability and safety from the outside world.
I want all of it because I believe the world would be better for it—and I want to live in a better world.
You’re not alone. The world isn’t out to get you, though there are plenty of cultural narratives that would make you think so. It’s time to clear those from your psyche. This is a space where you can peel them off your shoulders, one by one, until the weight is lifted. This is a space where you can learn to be the parent, the partner, the person you’ve always needed. This is the space where you can feel free, not radical.
I am deeply intuitive and I like to lead with feeling. I do my best to share both the spiritual and scientific reasonings behind my approach, because both elements interest me, but I recognize that every person connects to well-being differently. What speaks to me might not speak to you—that’s okay, there’s another package out there for you if so.
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