#3 Bringing it all together
Reprogramming your triggers.
By now you understand the importance of feeling.
You recognize that in the hierarchy of the psyche, feelings reign supreme. It is your ‘feeling’ space that your brain reacts to and creates beliefs and behaviors to protect. So it is within the ‘feeling’ space that we begin to reprogram the psyche, itself.
The real test of self-worth arises when you are being challenged.
It’s easy to feel good when you’re feeling good, ya feel?
But when something happens that stirs up doubt or a painful reaction it can leave you on shaky ground. Self-worth might not be so easy to access.
That’s what today’s meditation is all about.
When you are triggered, it’s an indication that something is not—or was not, at some important juncture in your life—meeting your needs.
Your reactivity is literally just your nervous system flagging a pain-point. If you’re triggered by injustice, it might mean you have (or had, at an influential time in your past) an unmet need for safety or integrity. If you’re triggered by someone’s ‘constructive’ feedback, it may mean you have (or had) an unmet need for competence or self-expression. Only you know what needs your reactivity is pointing to in any given situation. When you name the need, you’ll feel a little pang somewhere inside yourself, and you’ll know.
Each need’s intensity will vary based on the narrative you’ve created around it. And remember that your ego will protect your narrative more fiercely the longer you’ve reinforced it. That’s why I keep mentioning that sometimes these unmet needs date back to an important time in your past. If you were a child who didn’t receive warmth, you may have created a narrative that you are undeserving of warmth. In protecting this, you will seek out all the ways in which people are cold to you. The more time you spend reinforcing the narrative, the more ‘touchy’ it becomes. That’s why someone could say something quite benign, but if you interpret it as even the tiniest bit ‘cold,’ you might feel like you want to explode.
It’s also why so many of our most tender needs and limiting beliefs date back to childhood. We’ve been reinforcing those narratives for years! When these needs are triggered, it is especially difficult to step back and manage reactivity when it arises.
When you become reactive, your self-worth is challenged. You may feel small, defeated, or confused.
In an ideal world, whenever you feel triggered you’d have the wherewithal to pause, notice your reactivity coming to the surface, and hold space for your feelings before you react. You’d find a way to gracefully remove yourself from the situation and then you’d process. You’d ask yourself ‘what was I needing there? what are the limiting beliefs coming up for me?’ and you’d give yourself some compassion and empathy and self-soothe. That may be all you need, or you may choose to resolve the situation with whoever triggered you.
This pattern of behavior gives you AGENCY. It allows you to put the brakes on your brain’s auto-pilot setting and reignite your sense of worthiness before you start feeling small, defeated, or confused.
As you master your self worth, this becomes easier. But we ALL have moments where this is inaccessible.
Today’s meditation walks you through what ‘processing’ reactivity looks like. It helps you create space for your triggers and limiting beliefs and offers tools to REFRAME the narrative you’ve created around it all.
Use this meditation often. It will change the way you engage with your reactivity.
Before you listen
DEFINING REACTIVITY - I used to believe reactivity was always ‘defensiveness’ and ‘anger’ but it turns out it can also be experienced as annoyance, fear, judgment, discomfort, or a sensation of ‘shutting down’ or detaching. It’s really any uncomfortable feeling. That’s important to note as you learn to examine your own patterns of reactivity.
UNDERSTANDING NEEDS - Explore this needs list to get a sense of what an actual ‘need’ looks like. It will be helpful when you’re asked within the meditation to identify your needs. You don’t have to be perfect at this! But a general understanding will make all the difference.
The more often you use this exercise, the more grounded in self-knowing you will become. And I promise, your sense of self worth will grow. You will become extraordinarily resilient through this work simply by knowing that you have the tools to confront the obstacles that arise in your everyday life.
Write It Down
Journaling helps to solidify the feelings that you experienced today and it can help reinforce your new narrative, too.
what did your higher self look like and how did that interaction feel?
which moment of reactivity did you use and how did it show up for you?
what was the narrative that came forward when you were feeling reactive?
which needs were not met for you in this narrative?
noticing a pattern, where else has this narrative showed up for you in your life—were similar needs unmet?
when is the earliest time you could remember those unmet needs or narrative show up?
how did this narrative protect you from hurt or alienation when it first appeared? (perhaps it’s still protecting you now?)
describe what happened when you invited your higher self to walk through your memories and serve as your advocate.
how did it feel to have all of your needs met?
where in your body could you feel nourishment when these needs were tended to?
how does the original narrative change once your needs feel met?
how can this new narrative serve you now and in the future?
what would have shifted about your reactivity if you had been operating from this new narrative when the event happened?
how did you feel about this experience overall? does it inspire you to lean into this new narrative? if so, what are some steps you can take to reinforce it?
FEELINGs & EMOTIONS that may arise DURING or after THIS PROCESS:
RELIEF | One of the greatest side-effects of this work is the wave of relief that rolls over you when you name your needs and the narratives surrounding them. Clarity is a great healer. Now that you know, you can let go.
BLAME | A desire to point the finger at those who didn’t meet our needs is normal. But it’s important to remember that we all have unmet needs. When people aren’t able to speak to your needs, it’s usually because they don’t feel nourished. And they don’t have the resources to nourish themselves. We are all trying our best.
GRIEF | This one comes up for me when I discover a new limiting belief. I think of all the ‘years I wasted’ on a narrative that doesn’t serve me. When I notice grief, I take a moment to honor it without judgment. It’s okay to grieve. It’s also important to remember that your limiting beliefs did serve you once. They’re like protective armor. Grief is your system’s way of releasing stored pain in the body—honor that.
AGENCY | Once you have clarity about your narrative, you can take ownership of how to move forward. Once you see that your feelings and needs are yours to nurture, you’ll feel less reliant on other people—and therefore less critical of or sensitive to their behavior. The world is now yours to navigate.
EXPANSIVENESS | As your sense of agency increases, you’ll be able to see a variety of paths before you that are expansive and inviting—a new way of interacting with yourself and the world around you; a way that serves you. Life ahead may still be filled with a few stumbling blocks, but you have the tools to navigate them with grace, which opens you up to focus less on what’s not working and more on what is.
Moving forward
Whenever you experience a moment of reactivity, try to notice it, step back, write it down if that helps, and then visit this meditation to explore what that reactivity is telling you.
In fact, I encourage you to revisit this entire series of meditations using new ‘sticky memories’ so that you have a robust range of sensory experiences to pull from whenever you feel the call to ground or anchor yourself in your wholeness. Use these grounding techniques any time. Whenever you start to feel stress, anxiety, anger, frustration—or even when you’re feeling good and just want an extra boost of joy, that’s a great time to revisit Day 1, the somatic self meditation.
In your day-to-day, continue practicing the exercise of noticing how feelings engage with your body. If you start to feel over-analytical or too in your head, bringing awareness to the body will offer answers that your mind cannot. The body is the keeper of your truths.
When you notice any uncomfortable feelings surface, take a moment to be mindful of the physical sensations that accompany them. Can you sit with the physical sensation for slightly longer than is comfortable? Can you recognize that because you are safe in your body, your feelings are safe there, too? This exercise will strengthen your trust muscle in your ability to be your own safe container.
A Final Thank you
I am so grateful that you have taken the time for YOURSELF to finish this series of meditations! I firmly believe that with practice and time you will begin to experience and entirely different relationship to yourself that offers empowerment, strength, and resilience. YOU DESERVE THIS PAYOFF.
If you enjoyed this series, I humbly ask that you spread the love by sharing it. Your excitement for these kinds of offering is what will allow me to create more of them. So thank you, thank you, for your support and I look forward to hearing all about your experiences.
If you are called to share your experience, feel free to email me directly at killian@freenotradical.com. I may not be able to respond to everyone, but I will read every single note I receive and will certainly do my best to offer my thanks if I do hear from you.